Help is on the Way
by Paul Beckman
Help is on the way, M’am.
This is my third call and there’s still no help here.
It’s been a busy night, M’am, but help is on the way.
You people keep telling me this and the commercial on TV says it but on the TV help is really on the way and is there in no time.
We’re doing our best, M’am. Believe me, help is on the way.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. If help is on the way how far from here did they start out?
Be calm now and explain your problem to me.
But I’ve already gone over this with two other Help Is on the Way people.
I understand but please explain your problem to me.
I’m laying naked on the bathroom floor with my hand and arm stuck in the toilet.
How did you come to be in that position?
I told the others.
Please continue M’am.
As I was coming out of the shower and I sneezed a whopper of a sneeze and my teeth went flying out of my mouth into the toilet. I fell forward and flushed the toilet accidently with my left hand and my right hand grabbed my teeth just as they landed in the bowl and the suction pulled my hand into the hole.
Is your hand stuck?
And what about your teeth?
They’re in my hand.
If you let go of your teeth would you still be stuck?
If I let go of my teeth I’d be stuck without my teeth.
Sounds like you ought to let go of your teeth and stand up and put a robe or something on.
And lose my teeth?
Well M’am that’ll get you in an upright position.
Well maybe so but I defrosted a steak for tonight and I won’t be able to chew it.
Hold on one minute please—help is on the way.
How many times are you going to make that poor lady tell the story before you send someone over?
It cracks me up but I guess enough is enough. I’ll tell her that help is on the way?
Soon, tell her. Everyone’s at dinner now.
Paul Beckman sells real estate.
Some publishing credits: THE CONNECTICUT REVIEW, ONTHEBUS, THE WRITER’S VOICE, PLAYBOY, 5 TROPE, OTHER VOICES, DOGMATIKA, NORTHEAST MAGAZINE, PARTING GIFTS, FICTION WAREHOUSE, WEB DEL SOL, JEWISH CURRENTS, LONG STORY SHORT, TIGHT, PITTSBURGH FLASH FICTION GAZETTE, RIVERBABBLE, EXQUISITE CORPSE, COLLECTEDSTORIES.COM, OPIUM, CLEAN SHEETS, THUG LIT and SUGAR MULE.