DIALOGUE: THE FINAL WORD
(Humorosity #31)
by Honeydew Zubari
Once again I’ve been tackled on the street by a gang of writers gone amok. This happens with alarming regularity doesn’t it? Once again they asked me about dialogue. How to make it read naturally, how to abbreviate it and a bunch of other stuff I ignored.
I’m fairly sure I’ve discussed this many times over the past however long I’ve been writing these articles, but it doesn’t seem to be taking. So, here goes again. (Good thing I have the patience of a Saint):
Honeydew’s dialogue do’s and don’t’s:
Do:
Use some slang and lots of contractions to make the speech flow. We normally don’t talk like robots, but that’s what your speech will read like if you don’t take care. Of course, it’s good to have the occasional robotic-sounding character, but the majority of them will talk like you do.
“But Honeydew, how do I make them talk like me?”
Whine, whine. I know I’ve said this before:
*LISTEN to conversations around you.
*READ WHAT YOU’VE WRITTEN ALOUD.
Yeesh, how hard is that? If it sounds cardboard to your ears then it will to ours—so you’ll have to rewrite it.
Examples:
Do:
“Hey Mama, how’s things?”
“Good gravy Harvey, have you lost your mind? Why are you dressed like one of those street corner guys? Pull your pants up, your underdrawers are showing. You’re forty-five for cripe’s sake, not fifteen.”
“Get off my case will ya? I’m changing my ways Woman, doing my own thing. I told the bank to take my job as President and shove it up their--“
“Harvey! You never talk like that. Should I call Dr. Brainsucker? Are you out of the pink pills already?”
“Don’t need no friggin’ pink pills, Edith, I got me something better. I’m starting a rap group.”
“A what? Rat group? What in the world is that?”
Blah, blah. From that point things get worse fast. You can write the rest yourself. In the above I used contractions, a little slang and “relaxed talk,” punctuation to make things clear. If you noticed, there are no speech tags, no descriptions. I think the characters pretty much gave themselves away.
Don’t:
“Hello Frederick. How are you? Let us go to my office and discuss your loan application.”
“Yes, that sounds like a splendid idea Harvey, thank you. I am fine, by the way. My surgery took and the chimpanzee brain is working wonderfully well.”
“Oh, am I glad to hear that excellent news. I will have to let my wife, Edith, know. She asked about you just last night.”
“Give her my best, will you? She is quite a nice woman.”
“I will be sure to do that. How is your wife? I heard that she is expecting.”
“Yes, we are going to have a baby this summer. I am so looking forward to becoming a father. You have three children, right?”
“Right. If you need advice, I am the man to ask. Ha-ha-ha.”
“Ha-ha-ha.”
Oh so stiff, this sounds like a parody of a dialogue doesn’t it? Scoff away, but I read this kind of writing all the time. What disgusts me is when it makes it into actual book form. With all the competition, publishers choose this boring tripe? Hmpf. All I can say is when my book is finished the editing process (throwing out a thanks to my proofreader in the Netherlands here) those publishers better realize what a prize winner they have and give me a party in Amsterdam with confetti and champagne. I won’t fuss if they skip the confetti.
Back to dialogue. Punctuating it can be a bit tricky.
Honeydew’s easy rule to remember: All punctuation ALWAYS goes inside the quote marks. Like this:
“All punctuation goes inside the quote marks.”
Wrong, wrong, wrong:
“All punctuation goes inside the blah, blah”.
Anyone doing that should be shot in the thumb.
If there’s a break, use commas and periods; or only commas:
“And then she got all in his face and said,” Geraldine dropped her voice to a whisper and we leaned in to hear, “’I don’t care what your excuse is this time…I caught you in bed with your other baby’s Mama.’”
“What?” Trina said. “Oh no she didn’t!”
Dialogue tags:
Use “said.” End of lesson on tags. Oops, not quite the end. Don’t use adverbs and attach them to “said.”
Wrong, wrong, wrong:
“What’s up?” he said questioningly.
“I just saw a bank robbery!” she said excitedly.
“Really? Did you see who did it?” he said cautiously.
“Only a glimpse of them running away.” She said disappointedly.
“Too bad,” he said fakely and hid a bag behind his truck.
The above is telling us how the characters feel instead of letting the story tell us.
Rachel ran into the street and waved down a passing truck. “Bob, I’m so glad it’s you! I just saw a bank robbery!”
“Oh really?” Bob tossed his jacket over a large bag on the seat beside him. “Did you see who did it?”
“No, they had a get-away truck waiting. It was green, like this one.”
“Too bad. Here come the cops, you should talk to them,” Bob said and hit the gas. He zoomed through a red light and disappeared into the sunset.
In closing, let the characters and the story itself do the work. The dialogue should flow naturally and carry the story forward. Don’t have a bunch of nonsense stuck in to break up giant chunks of prose or the result will be worse than having giant chunks of prose. Always keep the story in mind, where you want it to go. It’s a river; dialogue is a leaf, being carried by the current. Easy breezy! Read good books and pay attention to the speech, go to the mall and listen to people, watch TV and listen to the different accents and ways of speaking. To be a writer you have to take in the details of the world around you. Right, lecture over, class dismissed. The professor needs a nap.
©2006, Susan “Say What?” Scott
