WRITING ABOUT LOOVE Humorosity #40 by Honeydew Zubari,

WRITING ABOUT LOOVE

(Humorosity #41)

By Honeydew Zubari

Ladies, this one’s for you. Mainly because it’s a proven fact that 100% of all romances sold are sold to women, who may or may not hide them from their guffawing, “Articles…what articles? I like the girls with huge boobs.” smug other of the male variety. I may possibly have gone a little high on the percentage, but we’ll worry about that tomorrow.

For today’s exercise, you’ll need to get a picture of your special Honeybun. Or, failing that, rip a centerfold from “Playchick,” and tack it on the wall. Mmmm.

Wish your Honeybun weren’t balding or quite so lardy? No special Sweetiecakes to call your own? On the permanent outs with the pig-headed jerk? No problem! This is writing, and in writing our number one tool is our imagination. Whip yourself up the perfect mental partner and you’re ready to go.

As Valentine’s Day speeds ever closer, hopes of a sweet homemade card with a handwritten poem from my so-called Support Team dwindles faster than a Stinger through a sieve. I’ve decided to make this year different. No waiting for a re-wrapped package, three bruised and wilted roses, an old Christmas card with his name scratched off and mine written in. No looking up as he walks through the door on February 15th, in time to duck as a half-priced heart is thrown my way. No rest-of-the-month silent treatment this year. No siree! I’m taking matters into my own hands.

Meet Derek. He’s a late-twentyish hunk in tight jeans and a body-hugging t-shirt. Oh Jiminy Cricket—look at those muscles. To die for! Derek has muscles everywhere. Everywhere! Mmmm…oops!

Derek is the hero or protagonist of my little love novel. Every excellent hero needs a villain or antagonist to give him trouble and to defeat so that the heroine (We’ll call her “Honeydew”) can be impressed enough to go home with the hero in the end. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Our hero has dark hair and dark eyes, very Italian—or perhaps a Latin lover? Our antag will have blonde hair and pale blue eyes. Swedish ice to Derek’s hot sun, um, hotness.

Mr. Antag needs a name befitting his place in my luuuv novel. Hmmm…I think “Vllad” suits. (Gives the reader a mental rhyme with “bad,” plus has an icy, foreign sound to it. Also was an impaler, for those who know their Transylvanian history. Or Romanian. History never was my strength.)

The heroine, Honeydew, is also an antagonist of a sort. Her role is to make Derek’s life difficult in an entirely different way from Vllad. And she is like the fuse to the bomb, or is it the match that lights the fuse? Anyway, without Honeydew there’s no reason for Vllad and Derek to fight. Other than that Vllad’s a terrorist and Derek has to hunt him down and foil Vllad’s mad scheme to rule the world. But I’m giving away too much right now. Back to the characters.

In order to not have three stereotypical, comic book characters, we need to give them quirks. Make these unusual or surprising and all the better.

Derek saves a fluffball of a kitten, which becomes his “pal” much in the way a dog would. He also gardens to relax and once took ballet to build his agility.

Vllad’s mother is his one true love. (Not in an icky way! Sheesh. Ever heard of a “Momma’s boy” before?) He hates the snow and cold, therefore hates Sweden. He has no pets, but does have a cactus that’s eighteen years old.

Honeydew is the most beautiful girl on Earth. She’s sweet but not sappy, and wild animals flock to her with total trust. Also, she can eat whatever she wants and never get fat.

Okay, my characters are set, now for the story:

It was a dark and stormy night when the tale of two lovers and a villain begins. All three are on a charter plane from Italy to Spain for different reasons. Derek can’t decide which country he hails from. Vllad has finally escaped Mommy’s tyranny and Sweden’s freezing grip during winter. Honeydew is there by mistake, she never could pay attention in airports. There’s a flash of lightening! The plane’s going down…and it crashes! Derek, Vllad and Honeydew are thrown clear right before the plane explodes. That’s lucky, considering that I need them all for my story. Anyway, they all get knocked unconscious on the same protruding rock and wake up to a clear morning and a beautiful beach.

While Vllad hits on Honeydew, Derek goes exploring. They have no food or water, but there is a coconut tree that will provide enough sustenance to keep them alive. They salvage what they can from the plane wreckage. Not much, just a huge signaling mirror and an inflatable “SOS” rubber raft. So they hunker down and prepare to wait.

To make the interminable wait less boring, Vllad does an unintentional striptease. As we watch surreptitiously, faces growing pink and steam coming off our bodies, Vllad loses first the parka and ski pants and heavy snow boots. Then off comes the sweater and thick corduroy pants. Then the scarf and turtleneck. Layer after layer down to the silk boxers with snowflakes all over them. Derek, jealous of Honeydew and the audience’s admiring the villain, has to assert his rightful spot in the story. So he strips down to a Banana pouch and dark sunglasses. The ultimate in sizzlin’, and what a body! Vllad is jealous, he’s lost Honeydew’s attention, so he tackles Derek and the two begin to wrestle on the beach. I don’t want to give things away, but a banana pouch is ripped off and a pair of snowflake boxers winds up with some strategic holes. That’s when Honeydew jumps into the fray. Here I’d better close the Humorosity, as the story quickly leaves PG and heads for a

spicy R-30 rating.

Easy breezy so far, huh?

After a decent interval in which they romp in the waves of warm lagoon water, we go on to their rescue. Back to the drudgery of being wealthy, young and single in the exotic locale of your choice. Show the two men attempting to win Honeydew’s heart. Think up many adventures and ways to sabotage dates and romantic things to have either the hero say with great sincerity or the villain to say to naïve Honeydew, planning to use it all against her later. What a foul speck of humanity! Treating a sweet, innocent like gutter trash. Booo, booo!

Oh, sorry.

Pack the story with all your favorite fantasies and you’ll find yourself tossing that discount box of chocolate back at that bozo boyfriend’s head. Who needs Mr. Dull Cheapo when you’ve got Derek and Vllad fighting to replace him?

Extra bit of advice: to avoid feeling let down after completing your love novel, immediately start a sequel. Honeydew can mysteriously disappear, leaving you to cozy in as the third party on the sea plane. What will those naughty boys do to capture your heart? Besides lavish you with gifts and champagne in the Jacuzzi, that is. Whew, I’m starting to steam already!