SYNOPSIS…BLESS YOU! - Humorosity #47 by Honeydew Zubari

SYNOPSIS…BLESS YOU!

(Humorosity #47)

By Honeydew Zubari

I know I said I would venture further into the wonders of query writing this month, but something more important has intruded. Besides, queries are so December.

“But what could it be? What’s more important,” you question.

Well, I’m gonna tell you. It’s a little thing called the writing synopsis. It sounds all innocent, doesn’t it? I mean, “Writing,” that’s something we all like to do. Yeah, no problems there. But then there’s that danged Latiny word, synopsis” stuck on. In American it means: Five to twelve pages describing your novel from start to finish. Every plot point has to be covered along with the important characters. The beginning of the book has to be there, and so does the surprise twist ending you are so proud of and want to keep secret.

No problem, right? Heh heh. Did I mention no adjectives or descriptive phrases should be used? This has to be the down-to-Earth, real deal, bare bones outline of your book.

Story of the Writing Synopsis

I finished my novel, as I may have mentioned before. I mean, entirely finished. Ready to send out this second complete. Then I went and bought a book of literary agents’ names and addresses. “Start with an agent,” someone told me, “and you’ll have an in with publishers.”

Sounded like sound advice, so I decided to sound out a few agents. There they were, rows of the darlings, with addresses and even phone numbers. A trusting lot, aren’t they? But since I can’t travel right now, there’s no worry of my showing up on their doorstep with my manuscript clutched in my clammy mitts.

Hold the phone! What’s this thing appearing in their submission guidelines? Turn in a five to twelve page writing synopsis along with the first three chapters of your book? A wha? Cough, cough, ack, hack. I thought the darned writing part was finished, except for the signing of my autograph on the title page.

So, being dumber than a cucumber, I did a search to find out just what these people wanted from me. They couldn’t ask me to climb Mt. Everest on my knees, could they? No, that would be too easy.

The first thing I read was “It’s best and simplest to write your synopsis before you start your book.” Wha? Cough, cough, etc. Now they tell me, now that my book is finished and packaged, awaiting lots of stamps.

The second thing I read, after skipping over a bunch of stuff was “Double-space the pages of your synopsis.” Finally, some good news!

So I sharpened my pencil and sat on buns of steel, determined to master this writing synopsis biz. The first thing I did was remove the video tape from under my buns of cottage cheese. Then I threw the pencil at the wall, trying to get it to stick like a dart. The point broke, leaving a pencil mark on my newly-painted wall. Oh well, they had to get dirty sometime.

Doofus, the cat started chewing on the pencil. I let her risk lead poisoning. I had too much to do to save her life yet again. (We won’t mention the falling headfirst and getting stuck in the toilet incident.)

I wrote and wrote for at least forty minutes, and when I was finished writing, took a guzzle of Diet Coke and mopped my brow. I really have to learn to hit my mouth when I drink without a straw.

After checking the document length, sure I’d hit five single-spaced pages at least, I could have cried. Two measly paragraphs outlining my book. And that was with adjectives and descriptive phrases. Think they’d know if I quadruple-spaced?

Oh, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008! May it turn out wonderful for all of you. Mine is starting off grand; there is an éclair waiting for me on the dining room table. Happy 2008, you tasty pastry confection!